Year of Me (It's Not as Pretentious as it Sounds)

After an anxiety attack last night and a cold-induced asthma attack this morning, I have decided that this is the year to finally focus on myself.

Self-improvement is not a selfish thing. It is a thing that requires patience and lots of thought and consideration. More than that, it takes time (about 18 years in this case) to even realize that I rarely take the time to take care of my self.

Do you ever take those cheesy online personality tests? Well I do, and I always end up with some variation of "the nurturer" personality. This in itself is a great thing. Nurtures are very tuned in to the people around them (especially those they care about). Maybe they're not "fixers" but they know how to listen to and support those who need it most. Nurtures will love you for as long as you let them and it will be something, not out of blind faith, but grown understanding.

As great as nurturer's are, they have a tendency to focus so much on others, that they feel that their issues and thoughts are somehow less-worthy of being heard and understood. As far as group dynamics go, it's hard to find multiple nurturers within the same group (friends or family), which makes this even more difficult.

If this seems difficult to understand or unreasonable, it's because it is. No one should think that they matter less. No one should think that their problems matter less. It's a simple concept and obviously, easier said than done.

Here's a real-world example from my life:
As some of you may know, I am a petite person. At 5'2" and 106 pounds, I am a size that doesn't go unnoticed (or rather it does when everyone towers over you). This being established, I obviously don't take up a lot of space. So why do I constantly feel the need to tuck myself practically into the fetal position in order to give others more space? The space that I take up is not that considerable and more so, it is rightfully mine but it has taken me 18 and a half years to realize this habit and realize that it was a problem at all.

To add insult to injury, I more often than not, instinctively jump to apologizing if I feel that I am taking up more than my allotted amount of space. Basically, I say sorry too much for someone that doesn't feel like her existence should require apologies.

So first thing's first, I need to talk more and talk more truthfully. Enough of all of this "everything's fine" bullshit.
Make relationships a two-way street. In the future you may need a shoulder to cry on. If I cry on yours now, I will remember it then.
I need to make people more aware of potential anxiety attacks. Running out of the room every time it happens is not a viable or healthy option.
A bunch of other things need to be figured out as well but there's time for all that. After all, this is quite the undertaking.

I urge you all to look at the personal sacrifices you may be making and think about how that influences the rest of your life. Maybe changes need to be made but you won't know until you make that a priority.