Appendix

You know you've slacked off on your blogging duties when your own site doesn't show up in the top three when you partially type in the url. So obviously I need to get better at that but I'm bad at goal setting. Anyways, in my current literary life, I've been trying to experiment with new styles. This is partially informed by getting back to my book-loving roots but also a desire to push myself and my abilities. You don't get anywhere by staying stagnant right?

Anyways, here's something pretty new and I finally got around to transcribing it this morning. Curse me and my dedication to writing on hardcopy first. It adds a few steps to the process.



Appendix:

When in fact you had never entered the shop at all. You were probably/possibly still sitting at the sun-warmed laminate of your kitchen table and I had been mistaken. I must have been mistaken.

1.

You were there. Or you were across the lawn, just out of sight. The sun warmed your shoulders instead.

Catching glimpses through a bowed-in doorway. This was an old building and the door never caught the latch quite right. It sat permanently open a fraction of an inch. Skin reflected with leaves from the window boxes and obvious sunlight. It was almost July and everything was passing in pleasant monotony.

When I looked again, the skin was replaced with an empty red velvet armchair.

2.

I suppose “replaced” isn’t the word. The chair was always there. Or at least since I walked in this morning. No one had pulled it out of the supply closet when I wasn’t looking. It had just been occupied before.

Becoming aware that the music had stopped and I hadn’t noticed it’s abrupt absence because I let my mind wander willingly back to the surveillance systems of maximum security prisons and your hands clasped over each other like a boy in cautious prayer. I had come here not to think at all and now to catch myself thinking.

3. 

I hadn’t been to church in three years and even then it had been for a baptism.

Or maybe a funeral. I had thought of other things then too.

Waiting until all of the ice in my glass had melted, leaving a watered down coffee layer like it was a sample of sedimentary rock

           

4.

            I would drink this anyways.

and the hair on my legs had grown by now. Not because of time passing but because of an overzealous air conditioning vent I had made the mistake of sitting under. My legs were coarse with goose bumps and my fingers were jumpy.

I was trying not to shiver visibly on the off chance that you could see me just then.

            5.

                        I considered looking for a trash bin. The pretense being used to turn around.

I decided against it and left the matter at that.

I felt commanding in my eventual decision although such an exercise

in willpower hardly warranted even a pat on the back.

I left soon after, checking over both shoulders before stepping into the crosswalk.

            6.        

                        My entire body felt like static.

20 Before 20

I turn 20 on Monday and I've found myself looking at a lot of "20 things you should do before you turn 20" lists and getting frustrated. Have I ever danced in the rain? Is it really that important to dance in the rain before the age of 20 as all the authors of these lists seem to think it is?

You really start to think about what is normal or reasonable to everyone else and how that works out for you. No I've never ran a marathon or a half-marathon but is that really going to make me any "less" 20 after Monday?

I also just re-watched the End of the World episode of Parks and Recreation and every time I do that, I think about two things: 1) how much I miss the Grand Canyon and 2) how important events are usually defined by who you share them with and that's what makes them stick out in your memory.

So here's my list of 20 things I've done before turning 20:

Own a Piece of Furniture You Really Love

I found a set of Mid-Century armchairs and matching foot stool on craigslist about a year ago and I was instantly enamored. They're kind of silly because they're blue and green striped but they're all mine.

Find an Apartment On Your Own

Finding an apartment will consume your life. You will have several tabs open at all times and they will all be housing websites. You'll convince yourself that you need a lot less than you really do and that a 20 minute walk to the train in the winter won't be so bad. You'll find "the one" and lose "the one" in an application battle. But eventually it will work out and you'll feel pretty pleased with yourself.

Perform in Public 

Doing anything in front of strangers can seem like a risk but when they keep coming up to you afterwards to tell you that they really liked your stuff, all of the shaking kind of just melts away.

Have Something of Yours Published

The first article I got published in the school paper, I think I cried. I got five copies to hand out to my family and friends. It felt like a validation of everything that I had been striving for.

Volunteer and Have It Mean Something 

I stocked shelves in a charity shop for an entire summer and I knew I was doing a good thing for the community but it kind of felt robotic. My senior year of high school I went on a service trip to New Orleans and it was such a welcome change to feel like I was a part of the community I was trying to help serve.

Get A Drastic Haircut 

Aside from the small tragedy of getting bangs in 5th grade, I've had the same haircut for almost all of my life. Having my best friend take a pair of kitchen scissors to my curls last summer was terrifying but I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off of me. Literally and metaphorically.

Take a Class In Something You've Always Wanted to Learn, Just Because 

I have a distinct memory of sitting next to Bianca at freshman orientation and debating what I was going to sign up for. Taking German was a complete shot in the dark but that class became a family to me and it was the perfect way to transition into college.

Reach Out When You Really Need Help

Pride is this fickle thing that often stops you from asking the questions you need answered because your head thinks you're better than that (for whatever reason) but when I realized that I was slipping behind in class because of personal issues, I pushed myself to have a conversation with the teacher, tell them the truth and find a happy medium on how to catch up. It was such a simple solution that I had spent too long avoiding.

Learn to Walk Away 

I'm a fixer. I just want everyone around me to be happy and healthy and I will sacrifice myself and my own wellbeing to make that happen. There's a point where you have to learn that some things can't be fixed and some people really don't want your help. It's okay to step back.

Travel to Another Country 

The catch to this is that you have to be old enough to remember the experience. I traveled abroad when I was a baby but I didn't consider this goal accomplished until I started traveling alone with my Dad.

Vote

I was so excited about getting to vote, I think I pre-registered before I turned 18. I felt guilty this past year when the Chicago Mayoral elections took place and I didn't vote because I'm not yet considered an Illinois resident. So I have to work on that.

Go On a Tindr Date

It's nerve-wracking to say the least. You really don't know what you're going to get out of it but if anything, going on a date with a stranger shows that you're not afraid of putting yourself out there and that's a big step.

Learn to Live in the Moment More

I like planning and control to an endless degree and oftentimes, I can't really help that but in the few moments I've been able to let go, it has been endlessly gratifying. After a full day of panicking about following a mostly arbitrary time line, I got to stand in the shallows of the Pacific Ocean and just take a lot of deep breaths. Stress will kill you if you let it.

Buy a Lottery Ticket 

I bought a lottery ticket the day I turned 18 and I haven't bought one since. They didn't even card me. Oh well, it was an experience.

Be Direct With People 

I tend to speak in enough metaphors to make your head spin but once I had someone I liked about tell me very directly that I made them nervous because they had a crush on me, I was so awestruck that I started to be more open and forward with people. I don't think I ever realized that that had been an option.

Show Off Your Hometown to Someone You Care About

A few days after last Christmas, I had my best friend come to stay with me and my family and it was almost surreal showing him the places I had basically grown up in. I got to take him to my favorite coffee shop and show him where I had multiple first kisses. It was nice letting an outsider in on that part of my life.

Learn a Skill, Even if it's Not Entirely Useful 

Learning embroidery may not save me in the event of a zombie apocalypse but it's nice to know and it's even better to have something constructive and quiet to do when the world just seems like too much.

Realize That You Have Your Mother's Quirks, and Learn to Appreciate That

The more Jake tells me "you are your mother," the more I start to take it as a complement. My mom raised some pretty great kids and I'm glad to be just as bizarre as her sometimes.

Have a "Favorite" the Resides in Nature

Learn a constellation! Learn several! Pick a favorite star! Pick a favorite mountain! Know that they're always there for you! Know that they can always look like home and know that you're always still part of the Earth.

Go On a Road Trip

I put this last because I think this is the best thing I've done in my life so far. 16 states in 7 days. A week without my computer. Learning to love another person in so many new ways. Not hating each other once we made it home. I think this is why every list of these arbitrary things has a road trip as a feature. It really is something that changes your life.

Can You Hear Me Now?

So I haven't been able to hear out of my left ear for about four days now. I'm almost positive it's not a medical emergency or anything permanent but it's getting pretty damn annoying. I just thought I would compile some of the things I've noticed while this is been happening because apparently, I have nothing better to do with my Thursday night.

1. You Will Get Scared More Easily

So I'm a paranoid person as it is. If you tap me on the shoulder without saying my name first, I will probably start to think I'm having a heart attack. Effectively only being able to hear things happing on one side of you will start to throw you into heart-palpation mode if a leaf so much as falls in front of you suddenly. This happened three times in my own apartment because I couldn't hear that anyone was home and I thought I might as well melt into a puddle of shame right there on the kitchen floor.

2. You'll Think Everyone is Staring at You

You know that thing when one sense gets screwed up so the others try to compensate? I've turned to trying to see more things and notice more details in an attempt to preemptively understand things that could potentially startle me. I don't know if this has me doing crazy eyes or anything but I feel like people are making a lot more eye contact with me than usual.

3. Your Face Will Feel Sort of Funny

Or at least, one side of your face will. I don't know if all this white noise I've been hearing is getting to me but the left side of my face kind of feels tingly in a numb sort of way. I don't know what this means. It's probably not actually happening. I'm not a medical professional.

4. You Will Feel Meaner

I don't know if it's because you're a little more removed from everything else going on in your surroundings or it's the sad looks your friends shoot you when you ask them to repeat themselves several times, but you'll probably feel like you've mysteriously turned into a jerk. I don't know, maybe you were a jerk all along and you needed this crisis to realize it. Lets hope its just the ear thing and you'll be back to normal when it pops in a few days.

A Quasi-Argument for Bringing Your Cellphone to the Bathroom

The first week of journalism school, we were told to make professional twitter accounts for ourselves, something that used our real names and where we sent out clean, work related quips only. Then we were told to follow ten news organizations.

I have that "professional" twitter account but it has maybe four followers and eight tweets overall.

Instead I use another account where I feel I have the most control over my voice and presence. Like a good journalism student, I follow several news organizations on that account as well. Like a terrible journalism student, I rarely read past the headlines.

I have never categorized myself as a "news junkie." I have however, always been an "information junkie." While I don't know a lot of details about the stock market or the current talks with Iran, I know a lot about the lies behind the Thanksgiving origin story and how often, radical feminism is fronted by white feminism and how that's damaging.

This doesn't make me bad at what I do; this probably just makes me a bad candidate for The New York Times and that's okay with me. I do however, realize that I need to change the way I look at the news and the way I interact with it.

I was on a week-long road trip with my best friend when the Germanwings crash story broke. He got a text notification from WFSB, a Hartford, Connecticut based news channel. It said something about a plane crash in the French Alps.

We were spending roughly 20 hours a day in a car, trying to make it to 16 states in seven days so I had plenty of time to surf the internet. The amazing thing was, almost anywhere we went, I had either 4G or 3G and therefore, access to the internet. So I found myself watching this story develop just because I was on twitter constantly. I was reading about the international safety protocols that existed that allowed this to happen. I learned how exactly cockpit door security worked. I studied individual profiles of the victims onboard.

And when I can back to school, I was able to teach something to my journalism class because I had followed one particular story so closely.

So when I say, it's totally cool to be checking your phone while you're in the bathroom, it's not really. It's still pretty gross when you think about it but that doesn't mean some of us are going to stop doing it. The same goes for checking our phones while we're on the train or when we're grocery shopping.

It doesn't mean that we're disconnected. It may just mean that we're ready to teach something brand new to you.

Religion in the Closet: Why I am Boycotting the State of Indiana

In the wake of Indiana Gov. Mike Pence (R) signing into affect the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act, several American states, cities, and celebrities have announced their boycott’s of Indiana, hoping to prove to supporters of the law, which supports individual business being able to make choices based on their religious values, that they’re not having any of it.

Many critics of the legislation insist that this will open up the opportunity for businesses to discriminate against customers on the basis of their sexuality because of their religious morals, an opportunity which, Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana has already seized, according to the Daily Beast.

While it’s great to see people like Connecticut Gov. Dan Malloy (D) establishing bans on state-funded travel to the state of Indiana and comedians like Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally cancelling their upcoming show dates in Indianapolis, the next step is for individual citizens to take a stand. That is why I am boycotting Indiana.

As a young closeted queer kid, I felt extremely uncomfortable whenever the subject of legislation on the basis of sexuality was broached. My best friend was openly gay and I took him to senior prom. This made one of my Dad’s co-worker’s very uncomfortable so the subject was dropped. We were on a family vacation with conservative friends when DOMA, the Defense of Marriage Act, was defeated but no one discussed this huge personal victory at dinner that night. Outside of my own family, I never felt supported enough to even realize I had other options

Now that I’ve come out, I am very vocal in my disgust for this piece of legislation but I feel for those closeted queer Indiana residents who are suffering quiet agony over what this law means for them. It could lead to no overall repercussions which could be even more damaging. 

Obviously this isn't something that just applies to one sect of people. My choice to focus on closeted young queers in this piece reflects personal struggles and does not mean I am negating the battles of those out warriors that are out there protesting right now for the freedoms of all of us.

We queer people and our straight allies need to stand for what is right and support our brothers and sisters feeling hurt by their state’s unfair actions. We should all be boycotting Indiana.

It seems like a no-brainer to me.

Fake Holidays, Real Holidays, and Craft Sodas

For one week every year, Chicago collectively loses all of it's calendars and has to guess when St. Patricks Day is. Mysteriously, it always seems to land on a Saturday.

So while the city goes on a collective uproar about dyeing rivers green, day drinking, and seemingly pretending they all have a pronounced Irish heritage, the rest of us know to be anywhere besides downtown. 

I've been working myself into a quiet frenzy over midterm projects but somehow everything today seemed to go extra smoothly. 

I made a mini pilgrimage out to the Garfield Park Conservatory for the first time since the fall. Seeing so many pretty plants in bloom just made me excited to start seeing things start to grow in the city. There was also so much sunlight and so many happy families that it made me so happy in return. Happiness breeds happiness. 

While I was there, I also saw the cutest couple get engaged and there were lots of happy tears and hugging and it made my heart pang a little bit but I'm so happy that there is love in the world. It makes me optimistic more than it makes me sad or jealous which can only be a good thing.

On the way back home, I stopped at the French Market for lunch and while I was getting food, I heard this weird thumping sound and all of a sudden, a marching band outfitted with silver and white costumes and weird masks that sort of looked like dragons or wolves, started to file in to the space. 

Turns out, they're part of a Swiss carnival band called the Nogglers (or Noggeler Guuggenmusig Lucerne) who were on tour and had played in the parade this morning. It was so bizarre and surreal that I was concerned I had been watching so much x-files that my life had momentarily turned into an episode. In reality, I was just in the right place at the right time to see something cool.

Reading up on the Lucerne Carnival, it happens once every year around this time and people in strange costumes and masks fill the streets playing music and celebrating. The idea is to dance away the winter and it seemed appropriate that I would find them now, just when we all seem to be feeling the need to dance away the winter and everything negative that came with it. 

I also got a new book and tasted elderflower soda, which kind of tastes like apples and lemons and something else I can't quite place. It's really good.

So all in all, there were a lot of things to be happy about today. It's nice when the universe rewards you for working your butt off. 

Jean Jacket Season

I will now fully and readily admit that I spend a good portion of my life, freaking out about things that I probably don't need to freak out about.

It's just in my nature. My parents should have considered the future and gave me Stressed as a middle name instead of Olivia.

This is not to say that there aren't things to be stressed about in my life. I'm in the middle of apartment hunting for a nice grown-up place to live with some vintage character, in a good area, with a quick walk to the train. Nice to meet you, I believe heavily in fairytales.

On top of this, I'm trying to re-write my resume and send it off to a bunch of places and get a decent part-time job for the summer and next school year/ probably the rest of my life because my chosen career path was writing. Also, it's midterms next week so there's a lot on my plate.

Despite this, the sun is out and temperatures in the city have exceeded 40 for three days straight and I've miraculously decided to adopt my mother's "things happen for a reason and things have a way of working themselves out" philosophy, if only for the moment.

If you measure your seasons by outerwear, it finally seems like it's jean jacket weather.
If you measure your seasons by coffee, I took mine iced this morning without fearing a bout of pneumonia afterwards.

I'm sitting on my bed finishing up a damn good coconut cream doughnut and I'm probably going to be finding coconut flakes mixed up in my sheets for the days to come but there are always worse things you know?

I have a feeling everything is going to work itself out in the end.